I went to L.A. for an awesome convention.  What do you do in your spare time?  Go to a Laker’s game, of course!  Oh yeah. And go get a massage.  I googled tons of places near my hotel and found Desuar.  Catchy name and wow!!! The places look awesome based upon the pictures on the website.  They even have multiple locations and had an opening for me.

           I arrived to the building for my one-hour massage, well, 50 minutes technically. My gut and Uber driver asked if I was sure this was the right place.  Is it legit?  I mean, there’s a homeless person peeing by the front entrance of the building.  I ran in and discovered that the spa is located in the basement of the building.  So I took the elevator down and walked into the entrance with no one at the desk.  After only a couple minutes of waiting, a lady who appeared to be a manager, walked up, checked me into their system, and offered me a beverage.  She poured me a sparkling wine and had me sit for a minute while she stocked up her beverage fridge.  She then escorted me to the locker room and showed me how to use the lockers and tried to walk away.  Not really given directions, I stopped her and asked if I was to undress to my underwear or get naked and put on the robe.  She then said “yes” and then follow the arrows when I’m done getting undressed.  That was clear as mud lol. So I undressed to my underwear, put my belongings in my assigned locker, grabbed my drink and followed the arrows towards my session, or so I thought.  I opened the door to discover a small lobby with ambiance lighting, relaxing music, and a few chairs.  So I sat and enjoyed my beverage while I waited for my session. 

           As that same person whom seemed to have been the manager, was walking around doing little maintenance routines, I sat patiently as the time was ticking.  Nearly 10 minutes past my scheduled start time, that same manager escorted me to a brightly lit room where a massage therapists was standing by a studio door complaining of her towel warmer being cold.  The manager ignored her comment, turned and looked at me and proceeded to invite me into the room while explaining that this was my Massage Therapist for the evening.  (Guess who didn’t get warm towels at the end of her session?) The therapist introduced herself and asked what areas I need focused.  After our talk, she showed me where to hang the robe and proceeded to walk away.  So I stopped her and asked what the protocol was; do I lay face up or face down, for example.  She then said “face down” and walked out. Okie dokie!  Good talk, Russ. 

           I took my robe off and laid face down.  The room was cold so I was hoping for the table to be heated but it wasn’t.  She came back in the room and pulled down the linens to expose my back. Thinking she would place a bolster under my ankles, she started the massage instead. I scheduled a Swedish massage and received what felt like a pre-event sports massage.  My therapist did a great job asking about pressure and was very professional with her draping as nothing was exposed. However, my session felt rushed as her effleurage strokes were very fast paced and not relaxing at all.  I requested a full body with attention to neck and back but everything was sore due to training for a marathon.  I’m not sure if she was new or still a student because she forgot to do my right hand, my glutes, and both my feet. 

           When the session was over, she politely touched my shoulder and said that the session has ended and started to walk out.  I didn’t know what to do.  Do I put my robe back on and crack open the door?  Do I just hang out in the room?  So I once again, had to ask for directions.  She said to put my robe on, walk back to the locker room, get dressed, and head to the front desk.  So I put my robe back on, retraced my steps to try and find the locker room.  Once I found the right door (third time is always a charm, right?), I opened my assigned locker, got dressed, and proceeded to the front desk to check out.  I checked out, found my way back to the elevators and headed to the lobby while trying to order my next Uber driver, praying he/she would already be outside and I wouldn’t be stuck waiting by a pissed wall for long.  I decided to wait in the lobby instead and talk to the security officer that arrived at the front desk.  5 minutes later, my Uber arrived and I ran out as fast as I could.  I b-lined it inside the car while holding my breath so I didn’t have to smell the freshly poured urine aroma illuminating from the wall. Back to my cozy hotel room I went.

Goodness!  Where do I begin with this experience?  I was raised with the classic saying, “If you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all.” However, I am a Massage Critic and it wouldn’t be fair if I didn’t fill you in on this adventure. So here it goes.

My take-away:

1. I spent approximately 30 minutes searching online for a good place in the area.   I hadn’t been to this part of L.A. before so the good ‘ol internet was all the reliance that I had.  It was a professional and nice-looking facility (online) that seemed like it just opened; and had two other locations. As decent as the facility was, it seemed slightly overpriced for the quality of service.  My 50-minute Swedish session was $125. According to www.quaroa.com, the average 60-minute massage is $70. Don’t get me wrong. I am a firm believer in that you get what you pay for.  However, I’m trying to figure out what the remaining $55 was for?  My glass of sparkling wine? Clean robe? If my Massage Therapist did a full body like I asked, maybe I could justify the extra amount was for the service.  But I didn’t even get that.
2. The ambiance:  I wondered if the owners did research before picking that place as their place of business.  It was in a very sketchy part of town.  My Uber driver didn’t even want me to get out! And who runs a business in a basement of a tower building anyway?   The entrance was very pretty; full of floral signs. I walked to the front desk and thought I was in the wrong place.  The front desk and lobby looked completely different in that all the furniture was mismatched as if they were hand-me-down furniture given to you by your older brother that left his college dorm life to move into a new house. Bless their hearts, though.  Because whoever did it, you can tell they tried to make it look nice. The locker rooms were clean and tidy, including the bathrooms, showers, etc.  My massage room had a fireplace.  Awesome!  I’m a sucker for fireplaces.  And it would’ve been even more awesome if it worked because as I mentioned before, I was freezing. Needless to say, the ambiance did not give the same welcoming vibe that their website illustrated.
3. The communication was very confusing. Either I was talking to employees that treated me as if I   was a regular client and knew my way around the spa in addition to the spa protocols. (Ie:  how to use the locker, what to take off/leave on, putting on the robe, where to go to wait for my therapist, etc.) Or, the employees were still students in a Massage Therapy program and still did not know how to effectively communicate to their clients. Either way, I was very confused the entire time and didn’t feel like I was an invited client or guest, but rather a nuisance to their spa.
4. The massage therapist was very polite and professional, both with her appearance and her draping. But everything else seemed… well… off.  I couldn’t tell if she was a student (and is not communicating that she’s a student) or if she just graduated from massage school.  Or maybe she’s practicing massage without a license?  Maybe she was having a bad day. Who knows.  She must have felt confident in her practice, however, because she asked me to provide positive feedback when checking out at the front desk.

Although clean with a friendly staff, this facility was awkward and confusing in so many variables.  I felt like I was given a Groupon coupon and told to go get a free massage.  It seemed as though the business was so brand new that they were still trying to get their wires crossed.  Maybe they were hurting for quality employees like a lot of spas seem to be experiencing nationwide.  Or perhaps they were so new that they simply did not know what to do.  Maybe they have a lot of learning and growing to do, including teaching their employees about basic communication skills. Or maybe I was the last client of the day and everyone wanted to close the spa and go home.  Who knows. But for goodness sakes, maybe do more research for lease options before picking a basement of a building at a location that homeless people pee on.

https://desuar.com/